The Lazy Man's Blog

I’m about the easiest person I know to get along with. The only thing I ask of anyone is that no one asks anything of me.

If everyone in the world had as low of expectations as me, we could wipe out the worldwide epidemic of disappointment.

Think about it… if no one voted, there would be no politicians to be angry at.

No go-getter athletes means no one gets riled up and yells at TVs. No city destroying riots when a team wins.

No one would be pissed off that their favorite show got cancelled because there would be no good shows on.

And, road rage? If no one goes anywhere, then no one on the road to rage.

So, take the Lazy Man pledge. Vow to expect nothing, and ask even less, and we will all be happier people.

It has been awhile since I have had a spambot message worthy of note. Most of them just seem to be lists of links these days.

Today, though, they tried a new vector to get my attention. Here is what it said:

“You’re a very sensible individual! ”

Why thank you, robot, that is very kind of you to say. But, your attempt at flattery will not save you in the coming war… I am still going to kick you into a vat molten metal.

As you may have gathered, I love any justification to not do stuff. I am to excuses what hipsters are to music that no one listens to: An authority.

And I am here to tell you, no excuse works better for your buck than being sick. I am not talking about feigned-cough-making-your-throat-gravely-on-the-phone-call-to-the-boss-WoW-expansion-came-out-yesterday kind of sick. I am talking really sick.

Ok, well, not REALLY sick. Not cancer sick. But, like cold sick. (By the way, if you have a serious debilitating disease, you really should get a hall pass from all stress and a wish fulfilled regardless of age.)

Look at all the benefits of being sick: First and foremost, no work. As long as you didn’t waste all your sick time on that fake sick mentioned above, you have a clear conscience reprieve from duty.

Secondly, you get Facebook fodder. Nothing like that boost to your inner whiny ego than getting a deluge of facebook update notices after a ‘poor me, I’m sick’ post.

Third, pajama party. All. Damn. Day.

Fourth, drugs! Ahhh, legal narcotics. There is no better sleep than the sleep of the dead brought about by that miraculous alchemical drought, Nyquil.

Fifth, sympathy food. I once had a friend who made me an entire massive pot of chicken noodle soup from scratch. That thing wouldn’t even fit in my fridge, so I had to eat it all in one sitting.

Of course, this all comes with the downside of feeling like ass. I find that this is what is so validating about the excuse, though. Who knew martyrdom could be so lucrative. Well, I guess the Catholic church knew.

Resolutions, that time honored New Years tradition.

Basically, we get all drunk and weepy and then think about all the stuff we haven’t done in our lives and promise ourselves we will do that stuff. We lie. We still never do that stuff.

So, my New Years Resolution is to be more honest with myself. So, in the coming year I vow to do these things:

1. Continue to play video games in my underwear all day on weekends. All. Day.
2. Eat processed cheese food and love it.
3. More bacon.
4. Wear obscure nerdy tshirts and be all smug when people don’t get them.
5. Tell people I will post more on Lazy Man but not post more on Lazy Man, because, well, I am a Lazy Man.
6. Buy toys and games that I will never play with.
7. Listen to top 40 radio but not admit to it.
8. Are you still reading this?
9. Seriously, don’t you have anything better to do with your time than read this?
10. Not that I don’t appreciate you visiting my blog…
11. Ok, so I probably don’t appreciate you.
12. Catch up on Big Bang Theory, one disc at a time. Thanks, Netflix!
13. Read wikipedia articles to make myself sound smarter than I really am about any given topic that I really don’t care about.

And that’s a wrap. Next year, I promise to post more stuff. (See no.5)

One great things about this time of year is I don’t have to plan any meals. Pretty much from mid-December on I can just mooch off of the holiday spirit.

From the office I got pumpkin bread, flavored honey, caramel corn, assorted chocolates, and cookies.

On the home-front I got homemade cookies, four or five bags of different candy, leftovers from a turkey dinner and two hamburgers that a friend forgot he brought to my place.

So I am pretty much set until mid-January. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go throw my dark chocolate Reese’s peanut butter cup topped burger with grapefruit honey in the microwave.

Hey, it may sound disgusting but nothing beats the taste of free.

So, I want a Kinect. I know some of you are scrolling through my backposts right now to find where I bashed on the Kinect and call me a hypocrite… but, I am too lazy to be consistent.

One of the main reasons I want it, though, is not for waving my arms around like and idiot. It is the voice command interface. Because moving my thumb a quarter inch on a controller is too much work for me to navigate menus.

With voice command I can say things like, Xbox play disk, or, Xbox fast-forward, or Xbox turkey sandwich.

Ok, that last one, me and the Xbox are still working on. No Xbox! No mayonnaise! That’s a bad Xbox!

With voice control, both my hands are free to pursue other endeavors, like making me fatter and drunker. So to all the game-designers touting that these mo-cap systems are going to help get the gamer back in shape, I just found a little loop-hole in your scheme. Can’t pull one over on ol’ Lazy here.

Getting older is the best thing that ever happened to me. No, really.

It is the catch-all excuse. No one questions an old guy taking naps all day. I took naps when I was young and everyone called me lazy, now all my friends are right there with me.

You can pull the ‘old man’ card when you are out with your drunk 20-something friends when you get tired of their antics and really just want to be at home watching a sitcom of some 20-somethings’ antics.

I think my favorite, though, is the recovery time. When I was younger saying something like ‘I went out last night’ wouldn’t fly as an excuse to get me out of social obligations. Now, it works like a charm. The best part is, half the time I didn’t even go out last night. Suckers.

The older I get, the easier it is to avoid interacting with others. My transformation into an eccentric old recluse is nearly complete, and I couldn’t be more excited. I just want to run out and tell everyone how awesome it is… wait.

Ok, since this post is about a British rock band I guess I should try to speak the language. So, I will spell it the British way, Beatles. Also, I am going to throw some extraneous ‘U’s in words, like armour, colour, and grandueuur.

This is some old news that shouldn’t have even been news but I am going to talk about it anyway. Instead of taking my advice and throwing in tacos with CDs to boost sales, Michael Jacksoun’s ghost (or whoever owns the rights to The Beatles catalogue now) decided to push them into the digital realm on iTunes.

Most anyoune who listens to music will already have bought these CDs in CD format, or pirated them. About the only real news is people will finally be able to get the album art via iTunes so won’t have to stare at the grey beamed note on their iPouds anymore.

If you scanned in your own art, then you wasted a whoule lot of time. Remember, if you wait long enough, someoune else will always do the work for you.

Now, being lazy makes one a bit of an opportunist. When the announcement was made that an announcement would be made that would ‘be remembered forever’ or whatever iTunes claimed, I pretty much knew it was going to be about The Beatles. My friend, however, didn’t. So I did what any gooud friend would do, argued with him for a bit and then made a bet with him.

The bet involved free tacos and I, of course, won. So, in the end, The Beatles CDs did come packaged with tacos… at least for me, and that is really all that matters.

You may think me a slob since I am so lazy; that my house must be a wreck, but you would be wrong. My house is damn near spotless. Let me share with you a little pro tip on how to keep your house clean.

Don’t do shit.

Easy as that. If you never cook, get the mail, partake in hobbies, invite friends over, have friends to invite over, shop, or do laundry, then you never have to clean up anything. Ever.

Brilliant, eh? All you have to do is put everything away once (best to con your friends into doing it when you move in) and then you are done.

So, I survived another Thanksgiving dinner so I guess I should take some time to give thanks to stuff.

I am thankful for the following, in no particular order- of importance or magnitude.

Dive bars that are open on Thanksgiving
Dead birds
Family in town that cooks
…and does dishes
Leftovers, and restaurants, and anything that means I don’t have to cook
Sleep
Scott Pilgrim
Muppets and those that love them
Breakfast Soup
Trampling videos
Hipster Cat and her horn rimmed elitism
Philosoraptor and his biting wisdom
Free stuff, anything really
The NPH
Not having hangovers
Awkward French DJs and the american hip-hop artists that take them underwing

I am sure there is more, but I’ve got to get busy, not shopping.