The Lazy Man's Blog

Many gave their lives in the struggle we commemorate this day. Some died fighting, some never knew the treachery of those that took their lives.

Remember the lesson we learned. No matter how nice they seem, no matter how beautiful, they are not our friends. They hide an ugly skin under that smooth exterior.

When someone comes into your life with open arms, wanting to share everything with you, just be wary. The greatest deceptions are those that seem to be the most transparent.

First they will become frigid, then they will devour you whole.

Never forget this day my friends… the day we unmasked the Visitors as the man-eating reptiles they truly are.

I don’t know why so many people think porn is some dream job. Are you watching the same porn I am?

Because from where I am sitting it looks hard. And I don’t mean ‘giggity-giggity-goo’ hard, I mean fucking difficult… err, maybe just regular difficult. You know, writing about porn while avoiding innuendos is hard. Dammit, difficult! I mean difficult.

The girls in porn sure don’t have it easy… ok, I give up, you are just going to have to deal with the innuendos. Back to being easy; it isn’t like they just get to lay there (unlike many of my exs) and then get money deposited in their accounts.

Porn stars and starlets seem like some sort of canning machine-gymnast hybrids. Hold, stuff, backbend, thrust, squirt, randolf, and jazz hands! Hell, any girl that sleeps with me should consider herself lucky if I can get the roll-off maneuverer completed when I am finished.

No, I don’t want to be in porn, I am content with just watching it, thank you very much. Though, maybe I can skirt the industry. Like, become a porn script writer. Now that seems like a pretty cake job.

Everyone just skips to the sex anyway, right? So I would get to write horrible kitsch that no one will ever see and get paid for it while being around hot chicks that won’t sleep with me.

That kinda sounds like what I do right now, except the getting paid part. And, the being around hot chicks part. The not getting laid part still stands, though.

A pirate’s life for me? No thank you. I don’t want to sail any sea; let alone seven of them.

The fact is, staying on top of piracy is hard. Back in the napster days it was easy. Everyone used napster, it was one stop shopping. Even after “The Four Horsemen” came for napster, it was pretty easy to find substitutes in Kazaa (if you didn’t mind some malware and viruses) and eDonkey.

But now, I have no idea what is going on… to me, ‘rar’ is something gnomes say when they are trying to convince you they are monsters. Seeding sounds too much like something done outside, and we all know I am wholly against activities outside. Plus, I hate having peers. With peers come expectations…

So, needless to say, I have taken the easy route and decided a monetary exchange for goods and services, digitally rendered, is good enough for me. I mean, people have been doing this kind of exchange for centuries, so it’s been completely simplified. Also, once again, my laziness puts me into the moral majority without even having to get up early on Sundays. Suck that, church!

Ninja’s are way better than pirates anyway.

I had a really awesome post half written about half-truths, but then my browser crashed and I lost it all. Too lazy to write it again. Just know, it was hilarious.

My eyes just devoured forty-five pages of words. That’s right, I read something. It was a teaser sample for a book. What’s worse, it worked. At midnight tonight, as the stars align, and the witching hour is upon us (and on a completely unrelated note, my paycheck gets deposited into my bank account) I will stream the rest of the pages from this volume to my hand-held computer.

The inciter of this mindcrime is a rolly-polly little bastard named Patton Oswalt. His book, which is awesomely named ‘Zombie Spaceship Wasteland’ has been out for a little while.

My preferred method of interacting with Patton is listening. I like listening, it is easy, it takes even less effort than watching. The best thing about listening is that no one can even tell if you aren’t doing it. You can just look vaguely in someone’s direction and they think they have your attention. Little do they know that your thinking about that redhead from /r/gonewild you found last night. Suckers.

Anyway, I am a consumer whore, and I am big on supporting anyone who talks about killing George Lucas with a shovel, so I think it was inevitable that I picked up this book.

I only had one last hope to keep my money in my hand, and that hope was that Patton sucked at writing. The perfect test was the teaser you can download of his book. Forty-five pages. I read them while I was on the shitter, in the hopes that some parrallel would form.

Well, one did, but not the one I had hoped. It captivated the shit out of me. So, here I type, ten pounds lighter and already eleven bucks in the hole.

Thanks, Patton… now quit being awesome, I have other shit to do. Well, not right now, but maybe after dinner.

When a child is not paying attention and walks into someone or something, an adult usually says, ‘You have to watch where you are going.’

But apparently this doesn’t apply to adults themselves, since a woman is suing a mall because she fell into a fountain while she was texting.

Why stop there? Why not sue fountain makers? Or, the cell phone company? Or, water? I bet water is loaded.

A whole bunch of states are now looking at passing laws prohibiting texting while walking… because as human beings we have to have our hand held at all stages in life now.

I get it, Fountain Tripping Lady, you are embarrassed and someone is gonna pay for that embarrassment. Just don’t screw over every other person in the country while you are at it. K? Thanks.

Pro tip for you: It is so much easier to point out the flaws of others work than it is do any work yourself. Why create when you can criticize?

That is pretty much what the internet is based on, right? Some over-achieving saps create the content and everyone else tells them that they didn’t use some homophone correctly. And, who even knows what a homophone is, anyway? Highschoolers and first year college kids? Who cares about them?

With all the critiquing, rewriting and grammar checking I have done in my time on the internet I figure I have enough experience to apply as an editor-in-chief to anywhere. My resume could look like this:

Lazy Man

Objective: To correct all wrongness on the internets

Editor, The Internets
1994-Present

• Responsible for grammar and typographical corrections to all pages and profiles
• Worked with major industry leaders like Tom, Mark Zuckerberg, the Reddit Alien, Drew Curtis, and Happy Cat.

Technical Writer, The Internets
1994-Present

• Created clear and concise lists of why you are wrong
• Provided anonymous feedback for quality assurance to major news outlets, entertainment sites, and message boards

Web Designer, The Internets
1994-Present

• Used CMS layout generators to create dynamic and exciting profiles on a major social network. Specialties include: Glitter backgrounds, gif placement, Comic Sans
• Wrote HTML mark-up with innovative inline styling for forum posts and webpage chatrooms. Emphasis on <b>, <i>, font color, font size and font style

Wait a minute, I have been doing all this damn work for free for over fifteen years!? Someone owes me some back pay.

The great thing about not taking an interest in anything is that you never miss anything important.

I can literally sleep all week and not feel behind. Political upheaval? Who cares. Healthcare? Yawn. Justin Beiber? Who the hell is Justin Beiber? Zombie Apocalypse…

Ok, so the Zombie Apocalypse is just about the only thing that would still be important.

I recently got a free video game. No, not from piracy. I am way too lazy to sail any seas; let alone seven of them.

It was a game for the Xbox 360 now designated a ‘Platinum Hits’. Which is basically a best selling game from two years ago that they are still trying to milk that one last dime out of. Well, not on my watch.

I purchased said game via Amazon, and somehow I had a 20 dollar credit (which just so happens to be the cost of a ‘Platinum Hits’ game) and they were having a free shipping promotion. My confirmation screen looked something like this:

$20    2-year old game
-$20  Mystery credit
$4      Shipping
-$4    Shipping

$0 Total

[Proceed with transaction?]

That last button should have said [Why the fuck not?] or just [High Five!].

I can’t wait to sell this thing when I am done with it. That is pure profit that gets deposited directly into my taco fund.