Life is better when you are unconscious. Seriously, nothing can do you wrong when your lights are out.
Literally, someone could break into your house, steal everything you own, and piss on your dog, and you won’t care one iota until you wake up. Hell, the nicest thing hypothetical dog-pisser could do is kill you in your sleep.
Stupid consciousness ruins everything.
Sometimes the voices in my head ask me, ‘Lazy, what is the best pasta?’ To which I think, ‘I really need to see a shrink.’ But, instead of doing that, I answer them (because who knows what they would do if I ignored them).
The answer is, of course, rigatoni. If you said spaghetti, fettucini, or angel hair, you are a person who doesn’t mind extra work, and are thus, no friend of Lazy. You see, all those pastas require an extra utensil to eat properly. Even with the spoon, the risk is high of food splatter which leads to unnecessary laundry.
No, rigatoni is perfectly shaped for the pasta dish delivery experience. Its tube shape means it holds extra cheesy, saucy, meaty goodness with each bite. Also, they stack well on forks to get maximum plate-to-mouth ratio.
Yes, voices in my head, rigatoni is the best pasta. And no, I will not kill my friends before they kill me.
You may remember my little rant on drive-thrus. Or, you don’t. Just to sum up, I am not a fan of them.
Now, being that consistency takes effort, I am here to tell you that I do have an exception to my no-drive-thru policy. Coffee.
Getting your coffee through a drive-thru is about the best method of coffee delivery except maybe a coffee gun, which does exist by the way; google ‘espresso gun.’
The advantages of not going into a coffee place are pretty self evident. First off, you aren’t seen in a coffee shop, huge plus here. Second, you don’t have to spend any time with coffee shop patrons, also a huge plus. Third, you limit your exposure to baristas, who, lets be honest, don’t need a fancy name for what they do.
Now if you will excuse me, I need some serious alone time with my coffee.
So, I finally found the holy land on the interwebnets. A place of narwhals, bacon, and naked girls. What could be more perfect, right?
That place is Reddit, and it is basically an RSS reader for lazy people. Redditors, as users of the site are called, will scour the internet for me and deposit their findings on the Reddit page.
Then, as if that wasn’t cool enough, the redditors will look over everything that has been deposited, and only show me the coolest stuff. I win at everything!
I know it would have been cooler to have evil space monkeys instead of fleshy humans for all this, but those damn monkeys only ever showed me poo pics and baboon porn, so they had to be liquidated. (I sent them to 4chan, where that stuff is appreciated more)
Anyway, I just thought I would drop by and share. Now I’ve got some serious browsing to get back to, these captioned pictures of cats and girls aren’t going to read themselves, you know?
You know what would be awesome to do all the time? Eat bacon.
Though, in order to eat bacon all the time you would need to cook bacon all the time. That would be too much work. Luckily for us, there are people on the internet that do it this for us.
Epic Meal Time. Stop wasting your time reading this and just search that. What they do is make bacon, booze, meat awesomeness and swear the whole time doing it.
I wish I could get an EMT (That’s an abbreviation for Epic Meal Time, not Emergency Medical Technician… though I do see the irony in both having the same initials.) delivery service to drop their awedeliciousness to my door each week. Wonder what a weeks worth of fast food sushi would cost. Or how much a lamb-bacon-Cerberus would be, because that would make the perfect Easter dinner.
Oh, I guess I should point out that they are Canadian. Which I am ok with, but I know it’s a thing to not like Canadians right now.
I was on one of the Facespace type sites when a girl I don’t really know posted this landmine of a status:
“I haven’t left the house or put on clothes for days.”
As my mouse pointer hovered over the thumbs-up, Shoulder Ackbar nearly went into grand mal. He was right, this was a trap. Lets look at the possible outcomes of ‘liking’ a status like this one, shall we:
She is one of my own, a pro, and understands that I truly admire and applaud her apathy. (Least likely)
This post is a passive cry for help and she feels like her life is being wasted one Far Side cartoon at a time, and I am some emo, voyeuristic stranger with a Schadenfreude fetish. (More likely)
She thinks I, like all men, are pervs and am liking just the ‘no clothes’ portion of the post, and now I have become that anonymous internet creeper girls are so fond of blogging about. (Most likely)
She has a medical history of depression and a list of attempted suicides as long as her wrist that I would have no way of knowing about, and now I am just like all the other douchebags that don’t understand her. (Worst case)
I am sure if given enough time Ackbar and me could come up with more scenarios, but this was enough for me to take my thumbs and go elsewhere.
Just remember, when it comes to social interaction, inaction is the best course of action. If inaction is not an option, I usually just yell ‘I need an adult’ as loud as I can.
I was out eating dinner the other day when I saw something that made me so very jelly. A kid decided that meal-time was over and took a nap.
Naps! In public! And it was perfectly acceptable. No social stigmata to worry about like some park-bench hobo.
Man I miss that. Where you could just lay down for sleepy time and you became someone else’s responsibility. Didn’t have to worry about being rifled for loose change or how you would get home. Heck, to him, he just closed his eyes in the restaurant and when he opens them next he would be at home…
Wait. one. minute! Teleportation!
Think about it, there was no intervening time to him. It was instant. I just cracked the secret for teleporation. Take that scientists!
Sure, there is still real-time lapse, but that is all relative anyway. All we need is enough tranquilizer, some good handlers, and conventional transportation, and viola! Beam me to Disneyland, Scotty.
Thanks to Aziz Ansari I had an awesome idea for a tumblr that I would like to do. Basically, it would be pictures of food I need to remember to try out sometime.
I could rip the pics right off of restaurant websites and foodie twitter feeds and the like. It would be great.
Then, when my friends are all ‘where do you want to eat?’ instead of saying ‘same place we always eat, Pinky… try to take over the world!’ Wait, that’s not right. Well, instead of just eating at the same ol’ places I could say ‘Quick! To the tumblr!’
Of course I am not going to actually make this site. It is enough work not updating this one.
I think I am going to start a new recurring piece here. Better living through laziness (BLTL) will be my advice column on not doing shit, and being a better person for it.
First up; Hangovers. I will show you how to eliminate them from your life.
Step one: The first step is always the hardest. First thing you need to do is gather up all the alcohol in your place. Every last beer and bottle. Now, drink it all.
This is best done in one sitting, just to get it over with, but you can spread it out over a couple days if needed.
Of course drinking all of your booze will give you a mass hangover the next day, but that is a good thing. You need to savor this hangover-to-end-all-hangovers because it is the last one you will ever have.
Step two: Now comes the easy part. Don’t do anything. Just kick back at home. Since you don’t have any alcohol anywhere, you can’t drink, and thus, no more hangovers.
Easy, huh? You won’t be getting your Hangover Holiday pay anymore, but you have to weigh the pros and cons.
Of course, if someone brings alcohol to your place, then you need to revisit step one to get back on track.
Hey, I just found this great game. You should totally check it out, just Wikipedia: The Game. It is the second one on the list that pops up.
Oh, btw, you just lost the game. You can check out the losethegame website for further details about why you lost.
You may think this is some childish attempt to commiserate my feeling of loss, but really, I am helping you. You see, you didn’t even know you were playing The Game. How rude is that, right?
Plus, the way I see it, if there is no winning, then whoever loses the most is in the lead, right? Now this is a game I can get behind.
